How Helping Others Heal Taught me Self Care
Ever since I was a child I’ve found myself gravitating toward mantras. Such short, summative phrases like “just keep moving forward,” as spoken to me by my grandmother on her deathbed, or screaming David Goggins’ favorite “who’s gonna carry the boats” during a trail running endeavor imbues me with so much resilience. These phrases play over and over in my head containing such an immense power for something so small. They’re pivotal in my own mental health because in their brevity they carry the largeness of the human soul. They make me promise myself I’ll get to the other side of the challenge. Recently they have reminded me to be human.
About three months ago I was hired onto a Wilderness Therapy program as a field instructor. I’d live in the woods with folks struggling to maintain their depressions or anxieties. They’d reflect on traumas and develop healthier coping strategies while paddling canoes on small mountain lakes. They’d discuss what made their old relationships unhealthy around the warm embrace of a campfire. In setting up camp amidst heavy winds and thunderstorms they become more resilient and independent. It’s common for these folks to experience a bit of an emotional overload as their past struggles bubble back up to the surface, and when I see them getting frustrated I lean into one of my favorite mantras: “take care of who takes care of you.”
In an environment where clients have hired other people to help them navigate mental health, a phrase like go “take care of who takes care of you” can seem dismissive or off brand at first glance, but it’s actually a call to action. Feeling too frustrated to be with the group or communicate effectively? Go take care of yourself. Carrying something in your heart that’s so heavy that you need to be alone and process? Go take care of yourself. Struggling with the physical demands of living in the outdoors? Go take care of yourself.
As social creatures we're often compelled to help others. Sometimes we even feel a responsibility to tend to other’s needs even when our own are not being met, and while this can often be seen as a sign of good character in the short term it can become incredibly unhealthy if we persist in handling others’ problems without addressing our own. This, at its core, is what I mean when I say “take care of who takes care of you.” It’s the responsibility of the group to help carry the load, both physically and emotionally, when they see a member of their party struggling, but it ultimately sits on the shoulders of the individual to advocate for their own well being. If everyone is doing what they can to make sure they are in a healthy space throughout the day not only will they be able to better engage with the group but they’ll be better prepared to speak up about their struggles in their everyday lives as a result of this practice… and here is where they flipped it on me.
More than a handful of my friends have died this year. A mixture of drugs and suicides has made the array of buried companions increasingly difficult to deal with while I was trying to maintain my composure in front of my students. It eventually caught up to me though, and when I announced to them I was taking a little time off to deal with the loss of a friend I was hit not one or twice but three separate times with “take care of who takes care of you.” In this beautiful little moment by the campfire I heard all the people I was supposed to be role-modelling healthy coping to telling me that they recognized I was struggling and they wanted me to address those struggles. I am a better me when I’m present, and that’s to say I’m better at my job when I’ve dealt with my own baggage. This should seem obvious, but we often forget these things when we’re engaged with the problems of the people around us.
I spent my time running atop some mountains, skateboarding with my brother, and reminiscing over the good times we had with our friend before he died.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from my time working in therapy, it’s probably that we as human beings are better equipped to care for one another when we take our own advice and take care of ourselves. “Take care of who takes care of you.” Fair enough.